Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome — that’s a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something’s going down. They’re designed for relaxation. If they’re fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, ‘This is a pillow fight ahead of time.’
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July 20th, 2010
You know the only time racism is really good for black people? Terrorism. Terrorism — never take black hostages. You know it’s true. You know why they don’t take black hostages, don’t you? ‘Cause we’re bad bargaining chips. They call the White House, ‘Hello! We have got five black people, and we will kill them, too! Hello? Hello?’
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July 19th, 2010
I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don’t know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don’t start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don’t know and and just go, ‘Well how do you think I felt?’
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July 18th, 2010
I like rock, paper, scissors — two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they’re destroyed, I can’t cut stuff — I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together — you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.
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July 17th, 2010
These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who’s bankrolling medical research in this country. It’s just depressed, balding, white guys who can’t get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. It’s like, ‘Sorry, little Johnny, you can’t get up, but look — I can.’
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July 16th, 2010
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I’ll admit it, I like to have a little fun. ‘Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.’ People notice in a hurry. ‘Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn’t be standing right here.’ ‘Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!’ ‘Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let’s move.’ ‘Stand down, down blue team! Don’t — hold on, the subject’s approaching. He’s in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.’ And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, ‘Thank you for making our airways safe.’ And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
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July 14th, 2010
Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
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July 13th, 2010
Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
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July 12th, 2010
I used to be jealous; I’m not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you’re jealous, it’s a cancer, it’s a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way — I cured it with mathematics. And I’m not a math person at all, but I’ve been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I’d like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once — I’m still winning.
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July 11th, 2010
I don’t mind fat people, I just don’t like fat people that try to pretend that one part of their body’s fat. Like my Aunt Sara’s like that. I’ll be like, ‘Hey, Aunt Sara, you want a piece of this cake?’ She’ll be like, ‘I can’t have that cake. It’ll go straight to my hips.’ Really? Well, it seems to make a pit stop on your ass and back.
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July 10th, 2010
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